In other news, I'm never going to finish this farking book. So today I'll begin posting "Drowning in Idiots: A How To Guide", because I still want it out there, I still want it read. Some of you have read this before, some, this is the first time, so some notes first: 1. yes I wrote it all 2. you are totally welcome to share with people, just please use my name (I'm making the "hi-ya" threatening sounds at you right now), don't be stealing my work please 3. Yes, while some of this may sound familiar, I'm not talking about anyone specific, generally. 4. Theres lots of swears, so if you don't like that kind of thing, don't let the door hit you on the ass on the way out.
It started as a joke rant after dealing with idiots at my job, and so many people read, and commented and made me feel like a rock star, that I just kept it up. I aim for funny, but it can't all be gold right? Mostly, I just want people to remember that we're all people, and for god's sake, we're got to take better care of each other. We have to be nicer. And so it begins.
How to Stay in a Hotel (Part 1 in the How to Not be an Idiot Series)
Staying in a hotel seems like something everyone knows how to do right? You are wrong. People are idiots. Unfortunately, you are people, therefore, you are an idiot. I'm sorry to be the one to tell you, but thats the way shit is. I have a theory that the further from home you are, the stupider you get, so I'm going t tell you all a few things from a hotel perspective:
- Yes, you will need a credit card. I am baffled by people who are surprised about this. It's a global standard, and any place you don't need a credit card for? You don't want to stay there. Trust.
- If the front desk person is super friendly, no, that does not mean they want in your pants. It's their JOB to be friendly. Also, unless you've been specifically invited, no one at the front desk wants you to come hang out and chat. I promise, none of them give a rats ass, but they are too professional/polite to tell you that they have shit to do.
- If someone remembers your name, give 'em a freaking prize! No other details will be recalled. Nadda.
- If the room you requested is not available, that means it's not available. Don't be an idiot! I know it's hard but giving someone hell over a room you want when there are many many identical rooms.....well, thats idiot behavior. And if there are no rooms available at all, shitting on the front desk person is not going to magically build a room right? Be a grown up, find somewhere else to go. Also, be responsible for your own aaccommodation - make reservations.
- No one says "please" or "thank you" anymore. Is it so hard?? Do it and see what happens.You'd probably be surprised at how easy a hotel person can make your life if they like you.
- Yelling is uncool, in any situation. So is name calling - yeah yeah, everyone who is reading this is relatively calm, but are you innocent? Probably not. Again, I'm going to ask you to trust me, life will become miserable. Any guest who uses up all their nice cards in one shot with me always regrets it later. I will always be polite, I will always get your shit done, but certainly not in a timely fashion, and probably not in the way you envisioned. I have learned how to make "thank you" sound like "fuck you"
- READ THE SIGNS PEOPLE!! For whatever question you have, there are probably three signs in your room telling you the answer.
- It is not the hotel person's fault that you had four layovers, and your luggage is lost, and your wife made you sleep on the couch for the last week. Be nice. Keep in mind that the person working behind the desk has a whole life outside of the building, and they may have been sleeping on the couch themselves. I'm not saying you need to tolerate shitty customer service, just have normal expectations.
- The front desk person is not a housekeeper. Say it with me - the front desk person is not a housekeeper. And housekeepers are not maids, it's totally insulting to be called a maid, so give it up! The front desk person is not your personal assistant, your bitch, your mother, your spouse, your shrink, your matchmaker......
So that's for today my darlings,