What are you Doing?!?

Shouldn't you be working right now?

Thursday, September 1, 2011

So I’m fat. Always have been, and while I’m generally ok, and I generally think things are good, I often hear a phantom voice in my head – “this is hard because you’re fat”. My own voice, just tinged with disappointment, not my usual perky banter voice. There have been so many times that I have been shocked that still I am fat. I guess I figured that by this stage in my life, with so many things going so well, that I would have pulled it together enough to lose the freaking weight already.
My boyfriend thinks I’m pretty, and that’s been good enough for me. I love shows and books and movies about big girls because that makes it ok for me right? Fat girl power!!!
But I never really bought it. I have a mirror, I know what I look like. I hear enough from helpful people who say wonderful, not at all looking for a goddamn smack in the mouth, things such as “are you sure you need that extra doughnut/ice cream/bottle of tequila?” (Just as a side note – where did these people learn that speaking to ANYONE like that is ok?? Not cool. Shove it chuck)
I am a secret eater. And I hate that about myself, like I let everyone and myself down every time I shove food into my face. Sigh. This is hard. I HATE dieting. I hate counting and cutting, and sacrificing…..at the same time, I’ve known in the back of my head for a long time that the way I’m doing things isn’t right. Eating whatever, whenever. There have to be consequences at some point.
When I was doing a first aid course a few months ago, I said to myself, in my quiet, disappointed voice – getting down on the floor shouldn’t be so difficult. This isn’t good.
So. A few weeks ago, The Help joined Weight Watchers. Christ save us all, I was not fit to talk to for the first week. And I was away from my darling, and I was on vacation, so all I wanted to do was eat. Crisp, salty French fries, soft hot pretzels dipped in mustard, beyond buttery popcorn, doritos, fritos Cheetos, oh my!
I’m not going to turn this into a food journal. I’m not gonna give you constant updates on how many pounds lost….because what if I fail? What if it’s too hard?
I will say this; I feel better.


  1. Good luck to you, you can do it! You'll screw up occasionally but when that happens, you just get right back to it. You'll get there.

  2. Good luck. You can do it. I did: I posted my story here. It took a long time, but I got the weight off and kept it off. I hope you keep feeling better.

  3. I hear you loud and clear. I struggle so much with my weight and am now going to have weight loss surgery this fall.

    I truly wish you all the best in your journey.


  4. Only a handful of people enjoy dieting. At the end of the day, being comfortable in your own skin is what matters. Overweight people should be spared from prejudices and mean stereotypes. I wish you luck on your journey! =)

    -Dennis Rode