So today I'm going to add another Idiot segment. I've decided to go out of order, and this segment, "How to Be a Friend" is one of my faves.
How to Be a Friend (Part 4)
Ever since the big guy put the first two idiots out of Eden and told 'em to multiply, we have been on an all idiots, all the time joyride. Thankfully we have friends to hold us up. Again, this seems pretty basic, but we are a BUNCH OF IDIOTS, so we need all the help we can get:
- No, it's not ok to call up a friend in the middle of the night to borrow money for lap dances. In fact, you probably shouldn't call in the middle of the night in general. If someone calls me in the middle of the night, I want to see either a bone sticking out of skin, or a corpse.
- There are two simple ways to fuck up a solid friendship: money and sex. Don't have sex with your friends fool! And money....have you ever watched Judge Judy? That is why you should never lend your friends money. Obviously, I'm not talking about the cost of a meal if your wallet gets left home, I'm talking real advances. Money for car payments, or rent, or the quickie annulment after your most recent trip to Vegas.
- If you have messed up, and done one of the above, it's ok, there are solutions. About money: write it down, make a re-payment plan and stick to it even though it sucks to get all up in your peep's grill. Think how much worse it will be after a few months, and you haven't said anything, and they're scared you're going to, so they've found new friends, and you're resenting being the good guy.....you know what, just don't lend your friends money. and the sex issue. First you have to figure out if you want to get it on again, or if that one ride on the platonic hobby horse is enough.If it's just the one time, know that shit is gonna be awkward and weird for a little while, and then you'll both move on. If you want to do it more then once, then you're either getting into a relationship, or becoming (dun dun duuuuuun) friends with benefits. I may be an idiot, but I'm not that stupid.
- The debate every person has had with themselves at least once in their lives - because I'm a good friend, do I say something about the stupid hair/fat ass/bad choices in partners/BO? Or, because I'm a good friend, do I never ever say anything about the unibrow/shoulder pads/hippie stank? This is a very tough debate, and I think it hinges on several factors. You never say anything about fat, life choices, or partners (think of it this way - if they stay together forever, who was the asshole that doubted and spoke up? Holy lifetime of resentment Batman). You never say anything about coulda, woulda, shoulda (yeah, cause you want to hear I told you so from someone besides mom). The other stuff, weigh in only if it gets brought up. In private. With kindness and love. You gotta remember, these people probably don't realise that they smell or whatever, and it certainly was never their intention to draw attention to themselves in such a negative way.
- Don't bail on your friends to get laid. at the beginning of a relationship, poeple are going to disappear for a bit, it's inevitable. Don't be the person who disappears forever. Don't be the person who forgets that they had a whole wide life before meeting the new fun times partner.
- Give your friends a hundred chances. Or better yet, don't count the chances.
- Know that, sometimes things said, even out of love, can cut to the bone.
- A true friend never brings a friend on Maury Povich. Or forgets a birthday, or pulls away when lovin' is needed. You don't need to buy extravagant gifts, or leap to action every time something is wrong. More often the knowledge of not being alone, knowing that there is always someone in your corner is far better then any potential beat down a friend could provide.
- If you ever make a friend choose between you and another loved one, you will be the one to lose. Everytime.
- To paraphrase the great Chip and Pepper, "friends don't let friends wear speedos". Also, friends don't let friends have mullets, butt bows on wedding dresses, Twilight obsessions, listen to the Eagles, or wear dresses that are the equivalent of poring ten pounds of sugar in a five pound bag. Or crocs. Under any circumstances, crocs are not ok.
So wish me luck in the madhouse tomorrow.
Go do something nice for someone you love.