What are you Doing?!?

Shouldn't you be working right now?

Saturday, September 4, 2010

The Hangover Crises of 2010 has passed

Alright, so maybe it was only a crises to me, but it felt like the battle of the end of days was happening inside my noggin for much of yesterday. See, I drink Jack Daniels. Jack Daniels with water as my mix. The brave few who have tried it have decided that it tastes like either perfume or nail polish remover. I think it tastes like awesome, but it is very, very hard on the head. Like getting beaten up from the inside out. It would probably be best if I talked about something else now, all this JD talk is making me shaky and scared.

I'm feelin less bitter toward the world today as well, which is probably nice for everyone, in particular, my fella. I don't think I was very pleasant to be around yesterday.  I finally, after about 2 weeks of wrangling, procured a plane ticket off of the wonderful people over at aeroplan (oh, how my tune changed when I actually got the ticket), so for the first time ever since I've moved here, I will be flying down south in December. Gonna visit my man, some friends, and a giant cheese.  I also ordered beads today - in my obviously copious spare time, I make jewelry. So the bead shopping was a treat. Yep, I've got the world on a string here today.

So in the spirit of my lack of hangover, I present to you another segment in the Idiot series -

How to Party (Part 14)

Everyone, including you, needs to party more. The world would be a much nicer place if everyone spent a little more time getting stupid. At 33, I figured I'd be past the partying stage, but no, I party. Remember when you were 22? Me either, so it must have been a hell of a good time:

  • Better to over dress then under dress. So you may be the only person in a skirt and heels, but wait! What's that sound? That's the sound of everyone noticing you.
  • Don't plan too much. You've got 14 parties you are supposed to hit up tonight - bring enough cab money, but also resign yourself to the fact that you may not want to leave the first party, let alone the 8th. If you're having a laugh, you are not missing out.
  • Bring only the essentials - ID, money, booze, lipgloss, condoms. Think about what you're bringing before you go. If you end up drinking in an ally somewheres, you don't want to be lugging around a duffle bag full of foundation and spare pantyhose. If you don't want to carry it, don't bring it.
  • Know that (if it's a good party), by the end of the night, you're going to look and smell like a wet ashtray, no matter how much prep time you put in or how much crap you haul around with you.
  • Life is too short for shitty parties! If you aren't having a kick ass time, pull up stakes and get the truck out of there. Any hot number such as yourself will find a fresh new gig double time.
  • Don't leave your friends behind. Or let them get felt up by nasty dudes with facepaint in the living room corner. Also, if a friend wants to leave, take their word for it - fuck off with the moaning and the guilt trips.  Let them be adult enough to decide for themselves. Help them get home, it doesn't mean you have to pack it in right?
  • This is very, very important. Partying often leads to drinking. Drinking often leads to drunkness. Drunkness inevitably leads to DUMBASS BEHAVIOR. I once had a friend physically remove the phone from my apartment so I couldn't drunk dial an ex. He gave me back my phone the next day and will forever be exempt from my "people to kill" list. Friendship yo.
  • If you see an ex - friend/partner/sister in law, don't get into it at the party. Neither of you will be making any sense and it just brings everyone down. Don't be a buzz kill man.
  • Know your limits, drinking, drugs, gambling, strippers. Know when enough is enough. If you just got hitched to a busty gal named Candy, you may be over the line. If you've vomited on anyone (especially Candy) you have crossed over. If you have come to the realisation that you have licked several people's faces, go home. You've had enough.
  • If the cops come: firstly, congrats, clearly it's a kickin' shin dig. Secondly, don't argue with the cops. They don't give a fiddler's fuck about what you were up to before they arrived (unless there was virgins being sacrificed or something), chances are, they just want you to simmer down some. turn the music down, stop riding the dog like a bull, put your clothes back on.The cops don't want to arrest you, they want to get on to the next call.
  • If you are going to get it on at a party, EVERYONE will know about it soon enough, and you have just engraved your own gossip invitation. All in good fun right?
Everyone has done something stupid and/or embarrassing at parties. If you haven't, you aren't trying hard enough. Get out there, have a laugh. I'm going to stop partying when I'm dead. I'll sleep then too. Remember that every party leaves a disaster in it's wake, so be thoughtful of your host. Be nice. Don't be an idiot.

Happy Saturday my friends.
The Help

No comments:

Post a Comment