So I’m fat. Always have been, and while I’m generally ok, and I generally think things are good, I often hear a phantom voice in my head – “this is hard because you’re fat”. My own voice, just tinged with disappointment, not my usual perky banter voice. There have been so many times that I have been shocked that still I am fat. I guess I figured that by this stage in my life, with so many things going so well, that I would have pulled it together enough to lose the freaking weight already.

My boyfriend thinks I’m pretty, and that’s been good enough for me. I love shows and books and movies about big girls because that makes it ok for me right? Fat girl power!!!

But I never really bought it. I have a mirror, I know what I look like. I hear enough from helpful people who say wonderful, not at all looking for a goddamn smack in the mouth, things such as “are you sure you need that extra doughnut/ice cream/bottle of tequila?” (Just as a side note – where did these people learn that speaking to ANYONE like that is ok?? Not cool. Shove it chuck)

I am a secret eater. And I hate that about myself, like I let everyone and myself down every time I shove food into my face. Sigh. This is hard. I HATE dieting. I hate counting and cutting, and sacrificing…..at the same time, I’ve known in the back of my head for a long time that the way I’m doing things isn’t right. Eating whatever, whenever. There have to be consequences at some point.

When I was doing a first aid course a few months ago, I said to myself, in my quiet, disappointed voice – getting down on the floor shouldn’t be so difficult. This isn’t good.

So. A few weeks ago, The Help joined Weight Watchers. Christ save us all, I was not fit to talk to for the first week. And I was away from my darling, and I was on vacation, so all I wanted to do was eat. Crisp, salty French fries, soft hot pretzels dipped in mustard, beyond buttery popcorn, doritos, fritos Cheetos, oh my!

I’m not going to turn this into a food journal. I’m not gonna give you constant updates on how many pounds lost….because what if I fail? What if it’s too hard?

I will say this; I feel better.